Collins English Dictionary defines a “speech” as… wait, where are you going? Come back!
Ahem. Let me try that again.
Life is too short for bad speech openings. The time between you opening your mouth and the audience deciding whether to listen can be measured in seconds—at best. Here are three of my least favorite speech openings, along with suggestions for what to do instead.
1. Endless gratitude
“Thank you for that kind introduction, Cuthbert. I’d like to thank the Association of Associative Associations for hosting this event. Thanks also to the catering staff for the magnificent prawn display. Let me also thank…”
Yawn.
Thanking everyone and their mother might be the most common speech opening. It’s also among the dullest (except maybe to the thankees’ mothers).
Don’t get it twisted: I’m not telling you not to do acknowledgements. That would just make you look churlish. But I am telling you not to open with them.
Instead, let the acknowledgements flow organically. Try opening by setting the stakes. Remind the audience why today’s topic is so important to them, either by telling a story, giving a killer stat, or asking a thought-provoking question. That gives you an opportunity to thank organizers, attendees, and so on, for surfacing this important and timely issue.
2. Getting meta
“When I was asked to speak here today, I wondered what I could possibly say. At first, I thought I might talk about the history of roof shingles. But then I realized that Mindy covered that in her fascinating talk last year. I sat down at my desk and stared at the blank sheet of paper. What to say that has not already been said?”
I bear the scars from 15 years of professional speechwriting, so trust me when I say: Nobody could care less about your writing process. Besides, meta commentary of this kind almost always telegraphs insecurity. Why should an audience listen to someone who doesn’t believe themselves?
Instead, why not open with a story that relates directly to the topic in hand? For example, you could think about when you first got interested in roof shingle antiquarianism. Was there an experience or a mentor who first sparked your passion? Tell that story.
3. I swallowed a dictionary
Finally, there’s the opening I used facetiously up top: Quoting the dictionary. The main problem here is that dictionary definitions are designed to be useful, not interesting. Besides, they don’t work well spoken aloud because they pack too much information into too tight a space.
Instead, why not find a quote that actually is interesting? I don’t recommend googling them, as you will get a lot of fake news and “Live Laugh Love” platitudes. But good dictionaries of quotations abound. I’m fond of Respectfully Quoted, the Library of Congress’s curated selection of their most requested quotes, organized thoughtfully by topic.